A new guy

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.Bartender: Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can`t make a face while doing it. SECOND, there`s a `gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there`s a woman up-stairs who`s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won`t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, Wherez zat teeqeelah? He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. Now he says Where`s that woman with the sore tooth? 女人的反抗 对年轻人谈恋爱，男的想试探女的是否能做到守身如玉，便问女友道：“如果你深夜一人在街上走，突然来了一个男人要和你亲嘴，你怎么办？” 女友答道：“我会反抗，并打他一个耳光。” 男的又问：“如果又来一个喝醉酒了的男人一下子要抱住你，你怎么办？” 女友答道：“我会全力反抗，不让他得逞。” 男的听了，高兴地连连点头，继续问道：“假如又走来一个很帅的男人，向你提出那种要求，你怎么办？” 女友听了回答说：“你要知道，一个女人的反抗毕竟是有限的！” 移动电话提示音 感情已欠费，爱情已停机，诺言是空号，信任已关机；关怀无法沟通，相思不在服务区。 1999 Darwin Award Winners For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards. These awards are given annually to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival. DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. #3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined panties he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. I didn't think he was going to eat it, the dancer identified only as Ginger said, adding He was really drunk. #4 - (16 April 1999, Washington D.C.) We can thank our lucky stars that there are two fewer paramedics around. Carol and Mark were found dead in their suburban home by Mark's 14-year-old son. The couple were wearing respiratory masks attached to an empty canister of nitrous oxide. Nitrous oxide, commonly known as laughing gas, produces a short-lived high, and is often used as a relaxant in dental offices and outpatient clinics. Like every other pure gas, it must be mixed with air or oxygen, lest it cause suffocation. Needless to say, Carol and Mark did not mix the nitrous oxide with air. What makes this story a true Darwin Award candidate is that both of the deceased had enough medical training to have known better. Mark was a 10-year veteran paramedic with the District of Columbia Fire Department. Carol was studying to become an emergency medical technician in a suburban fire department. Even more amusing is a quote from the Washington D.C. Fire Department's public information officer, who said that Mark was one of the most educated and highly trained people we had. That must alleviate the concerns of thousands of D.C. residents! #5 - MOSCOW, Russia. A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.) #6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. he bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia. #7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms... a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded. 我差点和她上床！( 我就要和相处一年的女友结婚了，毫无疑问，我很happy。 现在唯一困挠我的是，我未来的小姨子，一个20岁的plmm。她喜欢穿紧身的低胸t_shirt以及迷你短裙。她经常在我的跟前有意无意的弯下腰，更要命的是在别的男人面前她从不这么做。要说她没有诱惑到我，那是我在撒谎。 直到那一天，我未来的小姨子call我，让我去看看请柬的准备情况。当我到时，她家只有她一个人，迎接我的是她无尽幽怨的眼神：我爱的人结婚了，新娘不是我，我现在唯一想做的即使在你结婚之前，把我献给你。她在楼梯上对我说：我在卧室里等你，如果你决定了，就上楼来找我。当她走到楼梯的尽头，和她睡衣一起滑落洒向我的是她眼中的期待。 我呆立了一分钟，然后做了我当时唯一能做的事：拉开大门，走向我的汽车。 门外，我未来的岳父大人浊泪横流：好孩子，我们家的测试你已经通了，欢迎你加入到我们的大家庭中…… 这个故事告诉我们的是——把安全套放在自己的车里是多么的重要啊！ 2000 Darwin Award Winners They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was always totally focused when he ran, according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarising. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock> near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.Runner UpTACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. All I can say, said Bingham, is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it. Bingham's foot was never located. ....AND THE WINNER:1. PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant 'Stefan' 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up elephant finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him, said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen.