This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new bride, Honey, I'll be right back... Where are you going coochi cooh...? asks his wife. I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. replies the husband. The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, You want a beer my love...? Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries.The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar ... you know ... the frozen glass. He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, You want a frozen glass puppy face...? She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, Yes, tootsie roll. But at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK? You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..? She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ... chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that... replies the husband in desparation. You want dirty words cutie pie...? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR DAMN HOER'S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE!
靓妹传说 靓妹一回头， 街边倒下一栋楼。靓妹二回头， 长江之水往地球。靓妹三回头， 哈雷慧星撞地球。
Only when he’s drunk! A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, What's the problem officer? Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. (The man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt. Man: Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt. The man turns to his wife and yells, SHUT YOUR MOUTH! The Officer turns to the woman and asks, Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time? The wife says, No, only when he's drunk.
投缘or头圆 腼腆的你终于鼓起勇气问心爱的女孩：“你喜欢什么样的男孩？”女孩说：“投缘的。”再问还是一样。你只好伤心的说：“头扁一点不行吗？”
Rules to be a Man!!! 1. Don't call, ever.2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. 3. Lie.4. lie. 5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them. 6. Here's a good pickup line, My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me? 7. Drink Vernors. 8. Women want to hear all about YOU constantly! 9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.11. Lie. 12. Girls find it attractive if a man has friends than baths. 13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. 14. Women like it when you ignore them.15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc. 16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, I don't know. I just don't like her personality. 17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. 18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. 19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. 20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her. 21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1. 22. Say things like, Wha...? 23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks. 24. Lie. 25. Deny everything. Everything. 26. Good break up line, It's not you, it's me. 27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.28. Don't have a clue.29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.30. No means yes. 31. Yes means no. 32. Lie.33. Make up something to lie about to stay in practice. Improvise.34. Did I mention that you should be able to lie. 35. Feelings? What feelings?36. Never listen. 37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass. 38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet. 39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. 40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so. 41. This is a good place to mention you should be able to lie. 42. Lie. 43. Love is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it. 44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it. 45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle. 46. Lie.47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it. 48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't. 49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. 52. Blame everything on PMS.53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.54. Lie. 55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 56. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction. 58. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look cool, right? 59. You are male, therefore you want quality.60. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room. 61. Lie. 62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway? 64. If the question begins with why, the answer is I don't know. 65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.66. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you're staying with her. 67. Lie.68. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.69. Lie.70. General Rule: Different is BAD.71. If anyone asks you for a favor... make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.72. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling. 73. Lie. (true story.) 74. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship. 75. Lie. 76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo. 78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1. 79. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions love or commitment. 80. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can. 81. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her, when you're with your friends. 82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.83. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex. 84. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.85. Be early for everything or don't show up at all.
爱情的比喻 如果你是茶叶，那么我就是滚烫的开水，我要泡你！
The Man Dictionary IT'S A GUY THING Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. CAN I HELP WITH DINNER? Translated: Why isn't it already on the table? UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN Translated: I have no idea how it works. I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND. Translated: That girl standing on the corner is a real babe. TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD. Translated: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR. Translated: Are you still talking? YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS. Translated: I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday. I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES. Translated: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe. OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL. Translated: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt. I CAN'T FIND IT. Translated: It didn't fall into my outstretchedhands, so I'm completely clueless. WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME? Translated: What did you catch me at? I HEARD YOU. Translated: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me. YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE. Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse. YOU LOOK TERRIFIC. Translated: Oh, God, please don't try on onemore outfit, I'm starving. I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE. Translated: No one will ever see us alive again.
如此谈情说爱 有一对年轻男女在一个月光皎洁的夜晚望着天空么么无语。于是，女孩先打破沉么说道：“今天的月亮真圆，是吧？”男孩说：“自己看吧！”过了一会儿女孩又说：“今夜的星星真多！”男孩又回答说：“多的话就数一数吧！”又过了良久，女孩又说：“我们的爱情真深哪！”男孩回答说：“深不就淹死了吗。”
漂亮女孩 在一家时装店，我看到一个等得不耐烦的青年人对一个漂亮女孩说：“你介意和我说几句话吗？”女孩好奇地问：“为什么？”“我妻子进这个店已经一个多小时了，但她如果看见我和你说话，她会马上出来的......”没等他说完，他妻子已快步走出时装店，挽着他离开了。
Your Dog is dead A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something. The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead. The lady can't accept this and says, No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else. So, the vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a Labrador retriever. The dog jumps up on the table and sniffs the other dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. The vet says, I'm very sorry lady, your dog is dead. No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else...PLEASE the lady cries.So the vet goes into another room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. Well, that confirms it, the vet says, your dog is dead. The lady is very upset but finally settles down. Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you? The vet says, That will be $340. The lady has a fit and asks, Why is it so much? After all you didn't do anything for the dog. Well, the vet replied, it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the LAB TEST and CAT SCAN!
浪漫与浪费 什么是浪漫--明知道一个女人不喜欢你，还送她99朵玫瑰。什么是浪费--明知一个女人喜欢你，还送她99朵玫瑰。
Things You Don’t Want to Hear Oops! Has anyone seen my watch?That was some party last night.I can't remember when I've been that drunk.Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!Well this book doesn't say that...What edition is your manual? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.Come back with that! Bad Dog!Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.Steril, shcmeril.The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!What do you mean, he's not insured?This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.What do you mean You want a divorce!I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice. Let's hurry, I don't want to miss Bay WatchThat laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that? Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving. Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards? Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
女生 在我负笈外地时，有一个女生，她愿意等我到下辈子……她温柔婉约地说：你想成为我男朋友，等下辈子吧……在我穷困潦倒时，有一个女生，她愿意与我共赴黄泉……她眼眶泛红地说：你再不还我钱，我就与你同归于尽……在我英雄年少时，有一个女生，她愿意为我失去生命…她意志坚定地说：你再缠着我，我就去死……
Duck Hunt Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck, shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck. He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, Go see if that was a duck.
处子身 有一对男女正在谈恋爱，男的28，女的26，年龄都不小了，都想对对方表达没有偷吃过禁果，但又不好意思直说，只好委婉地问对方。男的说“一杆枪，二颗弹，二十八年没参战”女的说“茅草房，二扇六，二十六年无人住”只才知道都是处子身。
You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if... Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.Discussing dismemberment over a gourmetmeal seems perfectly normal to you.You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants. You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.You say to yourself great veins when looking at complete strangers. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, Boy it is quiet around here. You have ever referred to someone's death as atransfer to the Eternal Care Unit.You have ever had a patient say, But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say I have no idea how that got stuck in there. Your most common assessment question is what changed tonight to make it an emergency after6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?
轻点，好痛哦 小明回到家，突然听到邻居传出：男的说：“痛不痛？”女的说：“轻点嘛，啊。。好痛啊，叫你轻点，给点油润滑一下嘛。”男的说：“差不多了，就快出了。”小明听到热血奔腾，忙往门缝里一看，原来那男的在帮那女的取戒指。
Corporate Definitions BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.CHIPS & SALSA: Chips ? hardware, Salsa ? software. Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.GOOD JOB: A Get-Out-Of-Debt Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find your-self unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps.SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are oftenprofoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.DILBERTED- To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.404 - Someone who's clueless. >From the World Wide Web error message 404 Not Found, meaning that the requested document could not be located.Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man.GENERICA- Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.OHNOSECOND- That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
如此约会 有个害羞的小伙子告诉妈妈说，他要去同一位姑娘约会。 半小时以后，他回来了。 母亲问：“谈得怎么样？” “很顺利。” “见到了她吗？” “当然见到了，”他咯咯地笑着说，”不过，要是我不躲在大树后面的话，她也会看见我的。”
Phrase Translations --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia NaoStupid Man - Dum GaiSmall Horse - Tai Ni Po NiYour price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So TanI bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai NiI think you need a facelift - Chin Tu FatIt's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?That was an unauthorized execution - Lin ChingI thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?This is a tow away zone - No Pah KingDo you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?You are not very bright - Yu So DumI got this for free - Ai No PeiI am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum NaoThey have arrived - Hia Dei KumStay out of sight - Lei LoHe's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing KaHe is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai
真情告白 阿眯：你爱我吗？ 大明：我爱你，可是我不敢说，我怕说了，我会马上死去，但我不怕死，我怕我死了，没有人像我一样爱你！
The Top 10 Things NOT to say to a P 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!5. Are You Andy or Barney?6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?8. I pay your salary!9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!10. When the Officer says Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking? You probably shouldn't respond with,Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?
惊喜 一个士兵爱上了一个女子，他对那个女子说：“明天我会给你一个惊喜！”女子十分高兴！ 第二天，士兵开了一辆坦克来。女子生气地说：“原来你给我这个东西！” 士兵说：“我给你表演！”他一炮，把女子的房子打烂了！
25 Things You’ll Never Hear i 1. Let's wash the car.2. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?3. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.4. You can't feed that to the dog.5. That's enough ketchup on those eggs.6. No kids in the back of the pickup!7. Wrasslin's fake.8. That Civil War documentary was excellent.9. That aroma? I'm baking fresh bagels.10. I've got a problem with people who still fly the Confederate flag.11. Here are my keys, I'm too drunk to drive.12. Baby... Those jeans are too tight.13. Don't tie it on top of the car.14. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.15. Trim the fat off that steak.16. Why'd you cut the sleeves off your t-shirt?17. Don't spray primer there...18. Put that dog on a leash!19. New York City's an ideal place to vacation.20. My mobile home is clean AND storm proof.21. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.22. I wouldn't drive an American make if you paid me.23. I ain't riding with you unless both headlights work.24. It's January, take the Christmas lights down.25. Checkmate!
30 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart 1. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 3. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.4. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.5. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 6. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, 'I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,' and see what happens.7. Play with the automatic doors. 8. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, 'Who BUYS this crap, anyway?'9. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a 'test drive.'10. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, 'Wow.Magic!' 11. Put M&M's on layaway.12. Move 'Caution: Wet Floor' signs to carpeted areas.13. Test the fishing rods and see what you can 'catch' from the other aisles.14. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, '...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!'15. TP as much of the store as possible.16. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.17. Play with the calculators so that they all spell 'hello' upside down.18. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, 'Red Rover!'19. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hiredemployees if there are any in stock, i.e., 'Do you have any Shnerples here?'20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.21.While handling guns in the huntingdepartment, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.22. Hold indoor shopping cart races.23. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission: Impossible.'24. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.25. Say things like, 'Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?'26. Set up a 'Valet Parking' sign in front of the store.27. Two words: 'Marco Polo.'28. In the auto department, practice your 'Madonna' look with various funnels.29. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.30. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, 'No, no! It's those voices again!'
校园爱情等式 高年级男生＋低年级女生＝惯例每年新生入学时，都会有高年级男生主动要求去迎新，比干什么都积极。几天下来，大一女生的人力资源也就被他们掌握了个八九不离十，评头论足选出“四美”或“五美”，就开始摩拳擦掌，准备先下手为强了。在女生看来，高年级男生的呵护当然来得更温暖有力。这则等式在校园中应用最广，成功率最高。高年级女生＋低年级男生＝出位女大男这种组合近期越来越流行，有种出位的时尚感。同班男生＋同班女生＝近亲如果班花没有被本班男生攻克的话，就意味着本班男生整体素质的失败；日久生情，同班的两个人谈恋爱会显得十分和谐，少了份浪漫的距离美，却多了份深厚的同学情，好像一个战壕里的战友一样。老乡＋老乡＝老谋深算有的男生，只对一种女孩感兴趣———女老乡。问他们为什么，他们诚恳地说，两人都讲一种话，就这么简单。但细想，这个理由好像并不简单。校内男生＋校外女孩＝艳遇这一等式中隐含着一个必要条件，就是女孩要长得十分漂亮，否则男生很难有毅力不辞辛苦舍近求远。男老师＋女学生＝头号新闻发生在现实生活中的师生恋都会以头号新闻的方式被传播开去，并受到众人的斥责：男老师以权谋私，女学生目的不纯。女老师＋男学生＝传奇这样的故事，真是少之又少，两个人需要很大的勇气才能确认这份感情并公之于众。
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'4. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.7. Shave.8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: 'Noogie patrol coming!'13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.14. One word: Flatulants!15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom.16. Do Tai Chi exercises.17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!'19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.20. Meow occasionally.21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.22. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'oops!'23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.24. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons.25. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.26. Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side.27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, 'You're one of THEM!' and move to the far corner of the elevator.28. Burp, and then say 'mmmm...tasty!'29. Leave a box between the doors.30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.32. Start a sing-along.33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'34. Play the harmonica.35. Shadow box.36. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.37. Lean against the button panel.38. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'41. Bring a chair along.42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: 'Wanna see wha in muh mouf?'43. Blow spit bubbles.44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.45. Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more suitable host body.'46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.48. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.49. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger.'50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!'
在女友面前保住钱包的10个妙招 第一招：狡兔三窟——有这种女朋友，身上若带现金，就好比绑了炸弹般危险，赶快把钱拿去买房子、股票、债券、长期定存，最好一翻开皮夹只有零钱，还可以告诉她你正在为长远的未来打算。第二招：忍者龟——火速逃离付账现场，在服务生来买单之前，你会突然肚子痛要上很久的厕所；你也可能会接到公司上司的重要电话，让她付账，你再付她一半，养成她自付 的习惯。不要不好意思，一定要戒急用忍。第三招：化整为零——不带大钞，只带零钱，就算带数张五元的小钞也行，且最好是鱼贩、菜贩找给你皱皱有鱼腥味的旧钞，让你的女朋友在付钱时难为情，也许还会招来店员轻蔑的眼神。第四招：信用失效——把信用卡消磁使其失效。若无其事地刷卡，当信用卡被退回时，再一脸无辜地面对店员问他：“你们收电话卡吗？”如此，女朋友不自己付，行吗？第五招：危险勿近——花大钱的地方就甭去了，女友要逛百货公司，你就建议去看艺术展览或逛郊外；女朋友要吃大餐时，就说肚子不舒服，只能吃清粥小菜；女朋友要买化妆品，就说：“自然就是美啦！”，反正就是远离罪恶深渊的花钱地方。第六招：悲惨世界——带她收看有关非洲难民营的电视节目。第七招：忆苦思甜——伺机宣传过去贫穷时吃地瓜饭的惨况，告诉她勤俭的故事，同时美化一下勤俭持家的女人，如何得到男人的赞赏(当然赞赏是一回事，男人选对象还是以看顺眼为主)。第八招：搞破坏——想象女友的购买行动是你的敌人，把敌人消灭掉，所以女朋友开始想买东西时，就在旁边大喊，“这太丑”、“那没品味”、“不适合你”等来瓦解女朋友的购物兴致。第九招：焦土战术——你也来大买一番，再让她陪你吃一个月泡面。第十招：哀兵之计——到麦当劳打工、值大夜班，原本开房车的就改骑摩托车，骑摩托车的换自行车，骑自行车的改走路，然后不断告诉她你有多辛苦，让女友知道你赚钱给她用的沉重代价。最后要叮咛你上述十招要轮流交替使用，而且要很灵活，因为假设你一直使用第八招搞破坏，最后女朋友就算没弃你而去，也是独自找朋友一边狂买，一边骂你“小气鬼、没品味”，然后愈买愈开心，愈骂愈顺口，就一发不可收拾了。
100 reasons it’s great to be 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.2. No need to sit when you pee.3. You know stuff about tanks.4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.5. Monday Night Football.6. Tools.7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.8. You can open all your own jars.9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.10. Dry cleaners and hair cutter's don't rob you blind.11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.13. All your orgasms are real.14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.17. You understand why Stripes is funny.18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.19. Your last name stays put.20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.22. You can kill your own food.23. The garage is all yours.24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.26. Nobody secretly wonders if it's silicon.27. You never have to clean the toilet.28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.29. Bodybuilding is natural.30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.33. The National College Cheerleading Championship34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.35. You don't have to shave below your neck.36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy man every night.37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.38. You can write your name in the snow.39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.40. Everything on your face stays its original color.41. Chocolate is just another snack.42. You can be president.43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.44. Flowers fix everything.45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.48. Three pair of shoes is more than enough.49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.51. No need for hand lotion.52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.53. You don't have to eat quiche.54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.56. You don't have to 'Stayfree'.57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking He must be mad at me.60. The world is your urinal.61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.64. One mood, all the time.65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.69. Same work...more pay.70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.77. The remote is yours and yours alone.78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.79. ESPN's sports center.80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.84. You needn't pretend you're freshening up to go to the bathroom.85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.86. When you get old you have 'Rugged' good looks.87. If you grow a beard you don't have to work in a side show.88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.95. You can wear your underwear until it denigrates.96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.97. You think Richard Simmons is a fruitcake.98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: So... notice anything different?99. Baywatch100. There is always a game on somewhere.
爱情经典对联 上联：情已欠费，爱已停机，缘份不在服务区下联：思无应答，想也占线，感情不能再充电横批：爱若移动，心无联通
20 George Carlin - Things to think 1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?3. How is it possible to have a civil war?4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?8. Why are hand basket called hand basket instead of assteroids?9. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?10. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?11. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?12. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?13. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?14. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?15. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.16. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.17. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?18. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?19. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word Lisp to have a S in it.
今年情人节怎么过？ 今年的情人节，隐藏着商机无限；今年的情人节，天下有情人都散伙了；今年的情人节，你收（送）了板兰根醋和口罩了吗？今年的情人节，请告诉你的情人：爱你，就送你板兰根和醋……今年情人节怎么过？约上你的最爱，点上一只蜡烛，到上两杯香醋，再送上一包板蓝根，深情的对他（她）说，亲爱的，别感冒了。
12 Ways to tell if your a Hightech