小鸟虽然已经有女朋友了,可是还是像一个大木头,大家都笑他笨，根本不知道什么叫情调，小鸟下决心要雪耻。有一天晚上,小鸟跟女朋友野鸭走在没有人的路上,觉得很有情调。小鸟：“今晚,我..我可以抱你吗?野鸭：“哎呀！人家不好意思嘛！”小鸟：“喔喔喔!好!哪等你好意思的时候再抱你好了！”
Improvement One student to another:How are your English lessons coming along?Fine, I used to be the one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me.
姑娘与姑妈 一青年写信给一姑娘，却错把信中“姑娘”写成“姑妈”，姑娘十 分生气，回信曰：“怪你眼睛瞎，姑娘喊姑妈，若要嫁给你，羞死我一家！”青年不服气，写信回敬曰：“妈就是娘，娘就是妈，姑娘没错，姑妈怎差？”
A School-report The father was reading the school-report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful as he read:English, poor, Franch, weak, mathematics, fair, and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad.Well, dad. said the son, it is not as good as it might bem, but have you seen that? And he pointed to the next line, which read: Health, excellent.
我多爱你 一日男友给远方的女友写信,为了证明自己有多么的爱她,便在信的后面画上了一个心,然后又在心上画了一支剑,意思是剑串心,我真的很爱你,而后又画了一串剑穿心,是为了让其女友知道他又多么的爱她.又写上瞧我有多爱你. 不久他收到了女友的信,女友在信中问到你那串羊肉串是什么意思?
Arctic Explorer Boy: Dad, when I grow up I want to e an Arctic explorer.Father: That's fine, Bill.Boy: But I want to go into training at once.Father: Hoe so?Boy: Well, I want a dollae a day for icecream so I'll get used to the cold
等你好意思的时候 虽然已经有女朋友了,可是约翰还是个大木头,大家都笑他笨, 根本不知道怎麽调情... 约翰下决心要雪耻... 有一天约翰跟女朋友晚上走在没有人的路上,觉得很有情调。 约翰:今晚,我...我可以抱你吗??? 她: 哎呀!人家不好意思嘛! 约翰:喔喔喔!好!那等你好意思的时候再抱你好了!
To Go to Heaven Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up...what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up, don't you want to go to Heaven?Terry: I can't. My mum told me to go straight home.
改错 一位小学教师对她的男朋友说：“你上次写的信，我给编进语文期中考试卷了。这道题能全面检验学生们的语文水平。”男朋友问：“你是让他们分析语法，还是解释成语？”小学教师答：“我让他们改错！”
To scare them A mother bought her son a $100 Halloween costume to scare his friends. Should I take the price tag off? the boy asked.Leave it on. his mother replied. We'll scare your father too.
三角恋爱 一位姑娘与本厂的电工热恋了近半年。前些日子，姑娘去红玫瑰舞厅跳舞时，又看上了一个小伙子。就这样，姑娘与前头的电工关系未断，同时又与舞场上结识的小伙子热恋起来。姑娘脚踏两只船的事让电工发现了。“你为什么要谈‘三角恋爱’？”电工气冲冲地质问姑娘。“这很简单，”姑娘振振有词道：“根据几何原理，‘三角形’最稳靠嘛！”
Men’s Advice To Women 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 4. Get rid of your cat. 5. Sunday = TV Sports. 6. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 7. You have too many shoes. 8. Crying is blackmail. 9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 11. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 12. Simple yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 14. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.16. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? 17. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both. 18. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.19. You have enough clothes. 20. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
巧答恋爱经过 婚礼上，朋友让新郎介绍恋爱经过。新郎说：本新郎姓张，新娘姓顾，我俩尚未认识时，我东‘张’西望，她‘顾’影自怜。后来，我‘张’口结舌去找她，她左‘顾’右盼等着我。等认识久了，我便明目‘张’胆，她也无所‘顾’忌。于是我便择日开‘张’，她也欣然惠‘顾’。
惊喜礼物 英语老师说圣诞节晚上若将袜子挂在窗户外便会收到令人意外惊喜的礼物。体育系大一男生A君回宿舍后依话照做，第二天早上起床果真发现袜子里有东西。A君忙掏出一看，是女友的字迹。话语如下——下次再把臭袜子凉在窗户边，我将考虑与你断绝关系！
More Ponderables Why do shops which are open 24/7 have locks on the doors?If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, Quit while you're ahead?I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?How do I set my laser printer on stun?How is it possible to have a civil war?If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?Is a castrated pig disgruntled?Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?Why do banks charge you a non sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar-but when a jar is open, it's not a door?How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
老公与情人的区别 老公天天给你做饭，情人天天请你吃饭； 老公给你擦鞋油，情人给你买皮靴； 老公帮你挤车占座，情人对你车接车送； 老公帮你处理垃圾，情人跟你制造垃圾； 老公口拙，噤若寒蝉，情人嘴巧，天花乱坠； 老公可靠，他是一笔不多的死期存款，用起来麻烦，却很难花得完，就算遇到大事取光用尽，至少还有十元底钱；情人方便，他是现金，随用随有，说丢就烟消去散，说完就一分不剩； 老公像包子，外表普通馅里香，贵在能装，情人是糖人，非常甜蜜，贵在会吹； 老公像钢笔，不会涨价也不会跌价，情人如电脑，半年价格跌一半； 老公是自行车，再破再烂也一直对你忠心耿耿，情人是高档出租车，真正属于你的时间也就二十分钟； 老公是家里的那台旧彩电，独一无二，情人是街上的盗版故事片，遍地都是； 老公是厨房里用惯了的酱油瓶，舍不得扔掉，情人是派对中的可
乐罐，喝完就随手一丢； 老公是卧室里的床，只属于自己，情人是办公室的沙发，属于所有的人； 老公属于过去，他是夹在日记本里的一朵干花，它来自泥土，多年后翻出来都会莫名地感动，情人属于现在，他是插在花瓶里的鲜花，它来自花店，不出十天，垃圾箱里也难觅他的芳踪； 老公无私，他把他的钱当你的钱，全都交给你管，买包烟都要小心翼翼向你申请，情人自私，他拿你的钱当他的钱，挥霍起来不心疼，时不时还玩些借花献佛的把戏； 老公见了你，不爱系领带，情人见了你，不爱系裤带； 老公像关节炎，是隐隐发作的疼，情人如香港脚，是止不住的痒； 选老公像选国家总统，标准五花八门，找情人如找公用电话，都是就近取材。
Idiots IDIOTS IN SERVICE:This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, Would you like us to call you before we come? I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).IDIOTS AT WORK:I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk Noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by Cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.IDIOT SIGHTING #1:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, That's why we ask.IDIOT SIGHTING #2:At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to 'downsizing, our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun!. We should do this more often. Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.IDIOT SIGHTING #3:I work with an individual who plugged her powerstrip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.IDIOT SIGHTING #4:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey, I announced to the technician, it's open! To which he replied, I know - I already got that side.DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER NOW??!!!