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How To Spot A Narcissist On The Very First Date
Spotting a narcissist in the early stages of dating isn’t as easy as you’d think, which is why so many people end up in relationships with them.
It’s possible to have some characteristics of narcissism without having full-blown, clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. There are some telltale signs, though, says psychologist Craig Malkin, author of the book Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — And Surprising Good — About Feeling Special.
“Although there are many varieties of narcissism (outgo ing and bombastic, shy and introverted, or proudly self-sacrificing), there are common traits,” Malkin said. “What they all have in common is a powerful aversion to sharing authentic emotional vulnerability.”
What other traits do they have in common? Below, Malkin and other experts share six red flags.
1. They’ve planned your date itinerary to a T.
You have to hand it to your date: He or she picked the restaurant, effusively recommended things on the menu and knew exactly what bar you should head to after dinner. It might be nice to have someone plan everything out for you for a change, but narcissists call the shots for a very particular reason, Malkin said. Open-ended plans might end with them not getting their way ― something they don’t respond well to.
“Instead of asking for what they want, narcissists often arrange events to make them happen,” he explained. “If your date insists on planning out the entire date, it could be a fun sweep-you-off-your-feet experience, but it could also signal something far more ominous: someone who demands that everything always goes their way.”
2. They love-bomb you.
You’re still waiting for your appetizers, and your date has already expounded on all the weekend getaways you should plan and how well you click. Their clear interest in you may be alluring at first, but watch out: Love-bombing ― overblown demonstrations of attention and affection meant to win someone over ― is a marker of narcissism, said Virginia Gilbert, a Los Angeles-based marriage and family therapist.
“The adoration is so intoxicating that you may ignore the fact that it’s way too soon to be planning a future together,” Gilbert said. “Reality check: Your date is using love-bombing to hook you so you’ll give him what he wants ― most likely physical intimacy, money, connections, or taking care of them.”
3. They subtly slip humble brags about themselves into the conversation.
Most narcissists brag, but those who rate high on the narcissism scale have figured out ways to do it covertly. That’s because they’re experts in impression management and have learned to keep their arrogance in check in the early stages, said Tina Swithin, a divorce coach and the author of Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield.
“A highly skilled narcissist may casually mention the high-end gym that they belong to or that they only fly first-class, but it is done with such subtle sophistication that their target may not even register it as a red flag,” she said. “The less-skilled narcissist will openly and obnoxiously discuss their Ivy League degree, or the square footage of their new apartment.”
4. They’re rude to the waitstaff.
Pay attention to how your date treats your waiter: It could be an indication of how they’ll eventually treat you, said Darlene Lancer, a marriage and family therapist and the author of Codependency for Dummies and Dealing with a Narcissist.
“How do they treat the waitress, the car hop, or staff at the ice cream shop? Rudeness and arrogance signal low self-esteem and narcissism,” Lancer said. “Their rudeness to the waiter and hostess could hint at pent-up rage and demanding and possibly emotionally abusive behavior.”
5. They assure you they’re looking for long-term love, but most of their relationships were short-lived.
If you’re on a date with a narcissist, they might tell you that they’re looking for a life partner, but can’t seem to find anyone who’s worth investing in, Lancer said.
“Chances are, their relationships have frequently ended after intimacy developed,” she said. “They’re looking for perfection but usually find some flaw, and end the relationship so they can continue their search.” Unfortunately for you, the problem might lie with your date.
“Pay attention to the negative facts people divulge about relationships,” Lancer said. “Ignore their vulnerability, bragging, and compliments.”
6. They pry about your insecurities but never reveal theirs.
Narcissists will grill you about getting passed up for a promotion at work or joke about where you went to college, but they’ll get unnerved if you put them in a similar hot seat, Malkin said.
“The two of you will talk about your vulnerabilities or tough experiences you’ve had, but they’ll never once volunteer their own struggles,” he said. “You feel like you’re opening up, until you realize you’re the only one who’s laid your soul bare. With a narcissist, it’s likely that you’ll always be in the hot seat.”
难点注释：
Narcissist: n
表示“自我陶醉者，自恋者”，means“someone in love with themselves”。如：The narcissist's objective is to stay at the high points of the roller coaster all the time. 自恋者的目标就是总要呆在过山车的高点。
narcissism : n
表示“（对容貌和能力的）自我陶醉，孤芳自赏，自恋”，means“an exceptional interest in and admiration for yourself".如：He indulged himself in narcissism when he read his own work. 看见自己的作品，他自我陶醉起来。
narcissistic ：adj
表示“自我陶醉的；自恋的”，means“characteristic of those having an inflated idea of their own importance”。如：In the Romantic Period, this omnipotent authority came to a head, becoming a narcissistic intoner.到了浪漫主义时期，这个万能的权威走到了顶点，成了一个孤芳自赏的吟诵者。
full-blown：adj
1. 表示“盛开的”，means "fully ripe; at the height of bloom" .如：a full-blown rose.一朵盛开的玫瑰
2. 表示“充分发展的；全面的”，means“having or displaying all the characteristics necessary for completeness”.如：a full-blown financial crisis 全面金融危机.
Disorder: n
1）表示“混乱，凌乱，杂乱无章”，means“a state of untidiness or lack of organization”.如：he whole office was in a state of disorder. 整个办公室里凌乱不堪。
2）表示“失调，紊乱”，means“an illness of the mind or body”如：a blood disorder 血液失调。
Telltale：adj; n
1) adj表示“泄露秘密的”，means“allowing a secret to become known”.如：She found lipstick on his shirts - the telltale sign that he was having an affair.她发现他的衬衫上有口红印——这可是他有外遇的迹象。
2)n 表示“告密者”=tattletale, means "someone who gossips indiscreetly". 如：The teacher did not notice that I was cheating until that rotten telltale told her. 在那个该死的告密者告诉老师之前，老师并没有注意到我作弊。
Outgoing：adj
1) 表示“（人）开朗的，外向的，友好的，爱交际的”，means“(of a person) friendly and energetic and finding it easy and enjoyable to be with others”。
2) 表示“向外的；离开的”（going away from a particular place rather than arriving in it）。如：呼出的，拨出去的电话outgoing voice call （呼入的，接听的电话incoming call）
Bombastic：adj
表示“夸夸其谈的；夸大的”，means“ostentatiously lofty in style”如：The candidate spoke in a bombastic way of all that he would do if elected. 候选人大肆吹嘘,一旦他当选将要如何。
Introverted: adj
表示“内向的；不喜交往的”，means“given to examining own sensory and perceptual experiences”如：She has a calm and introverted disposition. 她性格文静内向。
Aversion：n
表示“厌恶，反感；讨厌的人（或事物）”，means“a feeling of intense dislike”.如：Girls generally have an aversion to snakes. 姑娘们通常对蛇很嫌恶。
Vulnerability: n
1. 表示“易受伤害；弱点；脆弱”，means“susceptibility to injury or attack“.如：his vulnerability to litigation 他容易受诉讼的伤害
2. 表示“弱点；痛处”，means” the state of being vulnerable or exposed”.如：Our critics sensed our vulnerability. 我们的批评家触及了我们的痛处。They complain that big firms in rich countries are exploiting their vulnerability. 他们抱怨，富裕国家的大公司正在利用他们的弱点。
red flag: n
表示“危险信号”，means“something that irritates or demands immediate action” 如：If I were advising him, I would say that the elation of his party's progressive wing is a red flag.如果让我给他提建议，我会说，民主党中进步派的洋洋得意是一个危险信号。
to a T/to a tee: adj
表示“恰好地；完全地”，means“in every detail" .如：This performer fits the role to a T. 这位表演者特别适合扮演这个角色
have (got) to hand it to sb.
表示“不得不佩服（某人）”，means“admire someone who is very successful or skillful.”.如：You have to hand it to ben, he really throws a great party! 你不得不佩服本,他办的聚会很成功!
Effusive: adj
1. 表示“溢于言表的”，means" uttered with unrestrained enthusiasm ", 如：He had not been effusive when he was brought in to see Thomas. 当他被带去见托马斯时，并没大动感情。
2. 表示“感情奔放的 ”means " extravagantly demonstrative“，如：Her effusive welcome was not sincere. 她那过分热情的欢迎是不真诚的。
call the shots
表示“控制，操纵；发号施令”，means“exercise authority or be in charge“.如：Who is calling the shots in this house?这房子谁说了算？
sweep sb. off one’s feet
表示“使某人倾心（尤指因爱情）”，means "overwhelm sb with emotion, esp with love ".如：He was certainly not a man to sweep a young girl off her feet. 他当然不是一个能使年轻姑娘为之倾倒的男子汉。
Ominous: adj
表示“不祥的”，means“presaging ill fortune“。如：She often has an ominous presentiment. 她时时有一种不祥的预感。
Appetizer: n
表示“（餐前的）开胃小吃；（一顿饭的）第一道菜，前菜”，means“food or drink to stimulate the appetite (usually served before a meal or as the first course)”。如：Small savoury biscuits provide a simple appetizer. 可口的小饼干就是简单的开胃品。
Expound: v
表示“详细解释；阐述；”，means“add details, as to an account or idea; clarify the meaning of and discourse in a learned way, usually in writing”。如：Laws are a dead letter without courts to expound and define their true meaning and operation. 法律如果没有法院来详细说明和解释其真正意义和作用，就是一纸空文。
Click：v
1. 表示“一拍即合，一见如故，情投意合，一见倾心” ， means“become clear or enter one's consciousness or emotions”。如：I really clicked with her the first time we met. 第一次见面我对她一见如故。
2. 表示“点击”，means "move or strike with a noise ". 如：Click on their names to find out more about them.点击它们的名称以获取更多信息。
Alluring: adj
表示“诱惑人的，迷人的；”，means“highly attractive and able to arouse hope or desire“，如：Never have I seen her lips so alluring. 我从来没有看见她的嘴唇是那么诱惑人。
Intoxicating: adj
表示“醉人的；使人兴奋的”, means "extremely exciting as if by alcohol or a narcotic "，如：The scene is bight-colored, gorgeous, intoxicating and unforgettable.这场景画面色彩明亮、艳丽、丰富，让人目眩神迷、流连忘返。
Intimacy: n
1. 表示“亲密；密切；关系密切”，means“the state of having a close personal relationship with sb”。 如：If you plan openness, you will reap intimacy.如果你种下坦率，你将收获亲密
2. 表示“亲昵的言行；性关系”，means“things that are said or done only by people who have a close relationship with each other”。 如：All the charm of their intimacy was gone. 他们之间那种亲密的闲情逸致也就此完了。
Brag：v;n
表示“吹嘘，夸耀”，means“to speak too proudly about what you have done or what you own”.如：She's always bragging about how much money she earns. 她老是吹嘘自己挣钱如何如何多。
Humblebrag则表示“故作谦虚的自夸；故作矜持的炫耀”
Covert: adj.
表示“隐蔽的；偷偷摸摸的；隐密的”，means "secret or hidden; not openly practiced or engaged in or shown or avowed “，如：Some people say this was a covert scheme.有人说，这是阴谋。He stole a covert glance at her across the table. 他朝桌子对面偷偷地瞥了她一眼。
Obnoxious: adv
表示“可憎的；惹人讨厌的”，means“causing disapproval or protest“ 。如：Even that obnoxious conduct by the child was not sufficient to spark a defensive reaction.即使是这个小孩如此可憎的行为，也不足以引发一个防御性的反应。
ivy: n
表示“(植物)常春藤”，means“a climbing plant, especially one with dark green shiny leaves with five points”，如：climbing plant with dark, shiny leaves“， 如：There is ivy trailing all over the wall. 常春藤蔓生整个墙面。
Ivy League表示“常春藤盟校”， 如：It was a cavenous wood-paneled room that looked like a tiered classroom from an Ivy league Law school. 这是一个凹陷的木板装饰的房间，看起来很像一排常青藤联盟学校法律学院的教室。
Carhop: n
表示“免下车餐馆的侍者；汽车餐馆的侍者”，means“a waiter or waitress at a drive-in restaurant”
pent up/pent-up: adj
表示“（感情）被压抑的，被抑制的”，means“characterized by or showing the suppression of impulses or emotions“， 如：On hearing the bad news she kept her emotions closely pent up. 听到那个坏消息，她极力克制住自己的情感。.如：Screaming at the top of your voice is a good way of venting pent-up frustrat Vent the pent up emotions. 宣泄抑郁情绪。
Rage: n
表示“（一阵）盛怒；（一阵）狂怒；（一阵）暴怒”，means“(a period of) extreme or violent anger”.如：He flew into a rage at the news. 他听到这个消息勃然大怒。
(the) chances are that...
表示“很有可能”，means“it is likely”.如：The chances are that he will elected the president. 他有可能被选为总统。
Divulge: v
表示“泄露，透露（秘密）”，means“make known to the public information that was previously known only to a few people or that was meant to be kept a secret", 如：He swore never to divulge the secret. 他立誓决不泄露秘密。
Compliment: v;n
表示“赞美；称赞；”，means“say something to someone that expresses praise“，如：He complimented her on her new dress without even looking at it.他连看都没看一眼，就称颂她的新衣服。
Pry: v
表示“探听，打听（隐私）”，means“inquire too curiously or rudely about other people's private affairs”.如：Don't pry into private life of others. 不要窥探别人的私生活。
Grill: v
1．表示“盘问，审问”，means“to ask someone a lot of questions for a long time”.如：question severely and continuously“，如：Had he asked any friends to grill him in a mock interview? 他可曾请朋友向他提问，对他进行模拟面试?
2．表示“（在火焰架或烧热的煤上）烧烤”，means“cook meat, fish, etc. on metal bars under or over heat”，如：Grill the sausages for ten minutes. 把香肠烤十分钟。
in the hot seat
表示“处境尴尬，处于困境”，means“in difficulty or in an awkward situation”.如：I'll be in the hot seat when the boss finds out what went wrong. 要是老板发现出了什么差错，我将会招致麻烦的。
Volunteer: v
1. 表示“主动提供（信息）”，means“tell voluntarily“，如：He volunteered a statement to the police.他自动向警方供出情况。
2. 表示“ 自愿（做）“，means" do volunteer work"，如：They volunteer for good causes. 她们自愿做好事。
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