Original Title 原标题 Who should pay for the first date? Dating coaches and a couples therapist weigh in
When it comes to dating etiquette, one question seems to inspire more anxiety than most: Who pays for the first date?
当谈到约会礼仪，一个问题似乎比大多数问题更能引发焦虑，即第一次约会由谁买单？
Dating experts think there is a clear answer for heterosexual couples.
约会专家们认为，答案在异性间的两人约会是非常清晰的。
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“The man should pay for the first date,” said Blaine Anderson, a dating coach for men. Erika Ettin, an online dating coach, agrees.
男士约会培训教练布莱恩·安德森（Blaine Anderson）说：“男士应该在第一次约会买单。”在线约会教练艾里克·伊汀（Erika Ettin）对此表示同意。
“I recommend my male clients pay and my female clients offer,” said Ettin, the founder of A Little Nudge. Men should politely decline that offer, unless the woman insists, in which case the man should accept it, Ettin added.
助你一把 （A Little Nudge）网站创始人伊汀说：“我建议我的男士客户买单，女士客户提议买单。“男士应该有礼貌地拒绝女士的提议，除非女士坚持这么做，这种情况下男士应该接受，伊汀补充道。
The etiquette “shouldn’t be that complicated,” she said.
她说，约会礼仪“不应该如此复杂”。
Public opinion is more or less in line with what dating experts say. Most Americans, 72%, say a man should pay for the first date, according to a recent NerdWallet survey. About 68% of adults stress about their finances when organizing a date, and 69% said they have felt uncomfortable on dates because of how much it will cost, according to a recent Self Financial poll.
大众的意见或多或少与约会专家们说的相似。根据最近的一份“呆子钱包”（Nerd Wallet）的调查，大部分美国人（72%）认为男士应该在第一次约会买单。根据“自我财务”（Self Financial）最新的一项民意调查显示，大约68%的人在筹备一个约会时会为他们的财务感到焦虑，69%的人说他们在约会时会因为约会的花费感到不安。
Whoever pays, the average person pays $77 for a first date, according to a LendingTree survey. That adds up. The average man paid $861 on dates in 2019 while the average woman spent $500, LendingTree found.
根据借贷树（LendingTree）的一份调查，不管男女谁付账，第一次约会的平均花费是77美元。这是两人加起来的总额。借贷树（LendingTree）发现，2019年，男士在约会上的平均花费是861美元，女士平均花费是500美元。
“Plan something that’s within your budget,” said Anderson, founder of Dating By Blaine.
布莱恩教约会（Dating By Blaine）网站创始人安德森说：“约会时要按你的预算进行安排。”
“If you’re concerned about cost, you have planned a date that is too expensive,” Anderson added. Feeling the need to go to a fancy dinner to impress your date means “you’re approaching the date wrong,” she said.
“如果你担忧成本，你已经安排了一个太过昂贵的约会了。”安德森补充道。她说：“觉得需要一顿精致的晚餐来打动你的约会对象，这意味着你的约会方式是错误的。”
Why dating experts think men should pay
为什么约会专家们认为男士应该买单
Historically, men were expected to cover the bill due to traditional roles of men as household breadwinners and women as caregivers for children, said Carli Blau, a couples and dating therapist.
情侣与约会治疗师卡莉·布劳（Carli Blau）说，从历史上看，由于男主外（挣钱养家）女主内（照顾孩子）的传统角色分工，所以男子被认为应该要付账。
While society has changed tremendously, men likely still feel a subconscious need to pay as a gesture of financial security, said Blau, founder of Boutique Psychotherapy.
精品心理疗法网站（Boutique Psychotherapy）创始人布劳说，虽然社会已经发生了巨大的变化，但男性潜意识里可能仍然需要通过付钱来表示自己在经济上的稳定。
Indeed, men are more likely to think they should pay for a first date than women, at 78% versus 68%, according to the NerdWallet poll.
事实上，根据“呆子钱包“（NerdWallet）的民意调查，男性比女性更倾向于认为他们应该为第一次约会买单，比例分别为78%和68%。
Proponents of men picking up the tab sometimes point to ongoing financial factors such as a persistent gender wage gap as a key rationale.
支持由男士买单的人有时会指向当前存在的经济因素（如持续存在的性别工资差距）作为主要理由。
But dating experts often use a different logic: The person who asks for the date should generally treat — and that is typically the man in American society, Ettin said.
但是约会专家们通常使用一个不同的逻辑：通常来说，谁提出约会的要求，谁就是买单的人。伊汀说，在美国社会里通常是男士提出约会。
In heterosexual couples, 53% of men say they asked for the first date versus 15% of women, according to a poll by the Institute for Family Studies.
根据家庭研究所的一项民意调查，在异性恋情侣中，53%的男性说师他们提出了第一次约会的要求，而女性的这一比例是15%。
The one who pursues a romantic interest and chooses where to take their date is expected to pay, Blau added.
布劳补充道，谁在追求恋爱对象和选择约会的地点，谁就是应该付账。
That means a woman should be prepared to pay if she asks a guy out, Ettin said. However, she advises men to still be prepared to cover the tab.
伊汀说，这意味着如果女士约男士出来，她就应该准备买单。然而，伊汀建议男士仍要准备买单。
There is also some romantic strategy here. Covering the bill gives the man “the best possible shot at the second date, if he likes her,” Anderson said.
这里面包含了一些恋爱的策略。安德森说：“买单能让男士有最大的可能获得第二次约会的机会。”
Yes, it is the traditional expectation, but it is also a nice gesture, she added. The advice is not contrary to the notion of equality and feminism, Ettin said. “We still want that,” she said. “But it feels nice to be treated sometimes.”
她说，这是传统的期盼，也是一个友好的姿态。这个建议并违背男女平等和女权主义的理念，伊汀说：“我们希望这样（男女平等和女权主义），但有时候我们得到了照顾（不用买单）会感觉很好。”
“I do believe that equality and feminism and chivalry can all exist at the same time,” Ettin said.
伊汀说：“我确信男女平等、女权主义和骑士精神能够同时存在。”
When to split the bill
何时分摊账单
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Additionally, splitting the bill feels “extremely tacky and friend zone-ish,” Ettin said.
另外，分摊账单让人感觉“极为俗气和太朋友式”，伊汀说，
Women interested in a second date can instead suggest they treat next time, she said.
她说，女士如果有兴趣进行第二次约会，她们可以建议在下次约会时买单。
Women who do offer to pay should not be mad if men accept, experts said.
专家说，女士确实提出了买单而男士接受了，女士也不应该生气。
“Don’t go call a friend or me as a therapist and complain afterwards they took you up on it,” Blau said.
"不要给朋友或我这个治疗师打电话，事后抱怨男士接受了你的买单的提议，”布劳说。
“In this place of equality and women wanting to be treated equally — as we should be — if we go to pay, it also could be considered disrespectful if the man says, ‘No, I’ll take care of it.’ Then it becomes a power dynamic,” she added.
“女性希望被平等对待，正如我们应该在男女平等的环境下。如果我们女士去买单时，男士说'不，我来付'，这也被认为是不尊重女性。这就变成了权力动态。”她补充道。
Some women may feel the need to split the check if they know they do not want a second date. However, experts somewhat diverged on this etiquette.
如果一些女士觉得她们不想有第二次约会，她们可能会觉得需要分摊账单。然而专家们在这个礼仪上有些分歧。
“I don’t think it’s a requirement,” but it is polite to offer to pay in such cases, Anderson said.
“我不认为女士需要分摊账单，但是这种情况下（不想有第二次约会）提议分摊账单是一种礼貌。“安德森说。
Ettin does not think payment should be tied to how well a date went, though.
伊汀认为，买单不应该与约会的发展好坏挂钩。
“All you owe them is a thank you,” she said. “That’s it — a genuine thank you.”
但是她说：“你只是欠他们一句'谢谢'，一个真诚的感谢。”
When it comes to dating etiquette, one question seems to inspire more anxiety than most: Who pays for the first date?
当谈到约会礼仪，一个问题似乎比大多数问题更能引发焦虑，即第一次约会由谁买单？
Dating experts think there is a clear answer for heterosexual couples.
约会专家们认为，答案在异性间的两人约会是非常清晰的。
“The man should pay for the first date,” said Blaine Anderson, a dating coach for men. Erika Ettin, an online dating coach, agrees.
男士约会培训教练布莱恩·安德森（Blaine Anderson）说：“男士应该在第一次约会买单。”在线约会教练艾里克·伊汀（Erika Ettin）对此表示同意。
“I recommend my male clients pay and my female clients offer,” said Ettin, the founder of A Little Nudge. Men should politely decline that offer, unless the woman insists, in which case the man should accept it, Ettin added.
助你一把 （A Little Nudge）网站创始人伊汀说：“我建议我的男士客户买单，女士客户提议买单。“男士应该有礼貌地拒绝女士的提议，除非女士坚持这么做，这种情况下男士应该接受，伊汀补充道。
The etiquette “shouldn’t be that complicated,” she said.
她说，约会礼仪“不应该如此复杂”。
Public opinion is more or less in line with what dating experts say. Most Americans, 72%, say a man should pay for the first date, according to a recent NerdWallet survey. About 68% of adults stress about their finances when organizing a date, and 69% said they have felt uncomfortable on dates because of how much it will cost, according to a recent Self Financial poll.
大众的意见或多或少与约会专家们说的相似。根据最近的一份“呆子钱包”（Nerd Wallet）的调查，大部分美国人（72%）认为男士应该在第一次约会买单。根据“自我财务”（Self Financial）最新的一项民意调查显示，大约68%的人在筹备一个约会时会为他们的财务感到焦虑，69%的人说他们在约会时会因为约会的花费感到不安。
Whoever pays, the average person pays $77 for a first date, according to a LendingTree survey. That adds up. The average man paid $861 on dates in 2019 while the average woman spent $500, LendingTree found.
根据借贷树（LendingTree）的一份调查，不管男女谁付账，第一次约会的平均花费是77美元。这是两人加起来的总额。借贷树（LendingTree）发现，2019年，男士在约会上的平均花费是861美元，女士平均花费是500美元。
“Plan something that’s within your budget,” said Anderson, founder of Dating By Blaine.
布莱恩教约会（Dating By Blaine）网站创始人安德森说：“约会时要按你的预算进行安排。”
“If you’re concerned about cost, you have planned a date that is too expensive,” Anderson added. Feeling the need to go to a fancy dinner to impress your date means “you’re approaching the date wrong,” she said.
“如果你担忧成本，你已经安排了一个太过昂贵的约会了。”安德森补充道。她说：“觉得需要一顿精致的晚餐来打动你的约会对象，这意味着你的约会方式是错误的。”
Why dating experts think men should pay
为什么约会专家们认为男士应该买单
Historically, men were expected to cover the bill due to traditional roles of men as household breadwinners and women as caregivers for children, said Carli Blau, a couples and dating therapist.
情侣与约会治疗师卡莉·布劳（Carli Blau）说，从历史上看，由于男主外（挣钱养家）女主内（照顾孩子）的传统角色分工，所以男子被认为应该要付账。
While society has changed tremendously, men likely still feel a subconscious need to pay as a gesture of financial security, said Blau, founder of Boutique Psychotherapy.
精品心理疗法网站（Boutique Psychotherapy）创始人布劳说，虽然社会已经发生了巨大的变化，但男性潜意识里可能仍然需要通过付钱来表示自己在经济上的稳定。
Indeed, men are more likely to think they should pay for a first date than women, at 78% versus 68%, according to the NerdWallet poll.
事实上，根据“呆子钱包“（NerdWallet）的民意调查，男性比女性更倾向于认为他们应该为第一次约会买单，比例分别为78%和68%。
Proponents of men picking up the tab sometimes point to ongoing financial factors such as a persistent gender wage gap as a key rationale.
支持由男士买单的人有时会指向当前存在的经济因素（如持续存在的性别工资差距）作为主要理由。
But dating experts often use a different logic: The person who asks for the date should generally treat — and that is typically the man in American society, Ettin said.
但是约会专家们通常使用一个不同的逻辑：通常来说，谁提出约会的要求，谁就是买单的人。伊汀说，在美国社会里通常是男士提出约会。
In heterosexual couples, 53% of men say they asked for the first date versus 15% of women, according to a poll by the Institute for Family Studies.
根据家庭研究所的一项民意调查，在异性恋情侣中，53%的男性说师他们提出了第一次约会的要求，而女性的这一比例是15%。
The one who pursues a romantic interest and chooses where to take their date is expected to pay, Blau added.
布劳补充道，谁在追求恋爱对象和选择约会的地点，谁就是应该付账。
That means a woman should be prepared to pay if she asks a guy out, Ettin said. However, she advises men to still be prepared to cover the tab.
伊汀说，这意味着如果女士约男士出来，她就应该准备买单。然而，伊汀建议男士仍要准备买单。
There is also some romantic strategy here. Covering the bill gives the man “the best possible shot at the second date, if he likes her,” Anderson said.
这里面包含了一些恋爱的策略。安德森说：“买单能让男士有最大的可能获得第二次约会的机会。”
Yes, it is the traditional expectation, but it is also a nice gesture, she added. The advice is not contrary to the notion of equality and feminism, Ettin said. “We still want that,” she said. “But it feels nice to be treated sometimes.”
她说，这是传统的期盼，也是一个友好的姿态。这个建议并违背男女平等和女权主义的理念，伊汀说：“我们希望这样（男女平等和女权主义），但有时候我们得到了照顾（不用买单）会感觉很好。”
“I do believe that equality and feminism and chivalry can all exist at the same time,” Ettin said.
伊汀说：“我确信男女平等、女权主义和骑士精神能够同时存在。”
When to split the bill
何时分摊账单
Additionally, splitting the bill feels “extremely tacky and friend zone-ish,” Ettin said.
另外，分摊账单让人感觉“极为俗气和太朋友式”，伊汀说，
Women interested in a second date can instead suggest they treat next time, she said.
她说，女士如果有兴趣进行第二次约会，她们可以建议在下次约会时买单。
Women who do offer to pay should not be mad if men accept, experts said.
专家说，女士确实提出了买单而男士接受了，女士也不应该生气。
“Don’t go call a friend or me as a therapist and complain afterwards they took you up on it,” Blau said.
"不要给朋友或我这个治疗师打电话，事后抱怨男士接受了你的买单的提议，”布劳说。
“In this place of equality and women wanting to be treated equally — as we should be — if we go to pay, it also could be considered disrespectful if the man says, ‘No, I’ll take care of it.’ Then it becomes a power dynamic,” she added.
“女性希望被平等对待，正如我们应该在男女平等的环境下。如果我们女士去买单时，男士说'不，我来付'，这也被认为是不尊重女性。这就变成了权力动态。”她补充道。
Some women may feel the need to split the check if they know they do not want a second date. However, experts somewhat diverged on this etiquette.
如果一些女士觉得她们不想有第二次约会，她们可能会觉得需要分摊账单。然而专家们在这个礼仪上有些分歧。
“I don’t think it’s a requirement,” but it is polite to offer to pay in such cases, Anderson said.
“我不认为女士需要分摊账单，但是这种情况下（不想有第二次约会）提议分摊账单是一种礼貌。“安德森说。
Ettin does not think payment should be tied to how well a date went, though.
伊汀认为，买单不应该与约会的发展好坏挂钩。
“All you owe them is a thank you,” she said. “That’s it — a genuine thank you.”
但是她说：“你只是欠他们一句'谢谢'，一个真诚的感谢。”