外刊原文
Let's embrace vulnerability in dating
BY Logan Ury
As a dating coach and the director of relationship science at Hinge, I often hear from people who feel like there's something big they need to disclose on early dates-chronic illness, mental-health struggles, college debt, family estrangement, lack of romantic experience, or trauma. They worry these parts of their lives make them undatable. They don't know how to share this information, and worry they’ll be rejected. They tense up on dates, waiting for the inevitable moment when the awkward topic will arise. Or they avoid dates altogether.
But it doesn't have to be this way. Because your vulnerability, when shared intentionally and authentically, can make you feel powerful, not powerless.
Research shows that we're attracted to vulnerability because of what psychologists call the “beautiful mess effect’-a phenomenon in which we tend to judge our own displays of vulnerability more negatively than others do. What feels to us like exposing our weakness through vulnerability, others tend to see as an act of bravery and authenticity.
If you still need convincing, let's look at the numbers. In a survey we conducted at Hinge with over 4,000 daters on the app, we found that 93% of singles are looking for someone who's comfortable being vulnerable. And they're 66% more likely to go on a second date with someone who shows emotional vulnerability on the first date. In fact, a majority say emotional vulnerability is the biggest thing they're looking for on a first date ranking it higher than attractiveness, income, or height.
Despite this, only a third of people say they show emotional vulnerability on a first date because they're afraid it will be a turnoff, Men, in particular, feel this pressure: 75% say they rarely or never show vulnerability on first dates because they worry it will make them seem weak or undesirable. But here's the thing: The people who reject you for being vulnerable are not your people. Someone who judges you for your past, your struggles, or your truth isn't the right partner for you. The sooner you find that out, the better.
Of course, there's a right way and a wrong way to be vulnerable on an early date. It's a date, not a therapy session. It's about sharing intentionally, with boundaries, from a place of growth and self-awareness. Here's how to tell your story in a way that feels empowering, not overwhelming:
Don't rush. Intimacy needs to be earned. While you may want to get something off your chest, you don't have to disclose everything on the first date. If someone asks you a question you're uncomfortable with, you can tactfully deflect. For example, let's say you are estranged from your family. If your date tells you all about their mom's famous lasagna recipe, and asks about your parents, you can smile and say, “My family life is messy. We can get into it another time." You can also say your family doesn't have similar traditions and leave it at that.
Explain how this experience made you grow. You are not asking the other person to feel bad for you. Instead, you're telling them how going through this has helped you become who you are. When you share your narrative from a place of confidence, people will respect you, not reject you. For example, you can say things like “while I wish I were closer with my family, I've worked hard to create a chosen family of friends, and I'm excited to build my own family one day.”
Remember that their reaction is about them, not you. Some people will be able to handle your vulnerability, others won't. If they seem uncomfortable or judgmental, that says more about who they are and where they are in life than it does about your datability. This is your story and your experience. You are sharing, not asking for their permission, forgiveness, or acceptance.
Feeling “undatable” is a story we tell ourselves, but it's not the truth. What makes you human-your messy, beautiful story-is exactly what makes you lovable. And when you share your authentic self, you're giving someone else permission to do the same.
Ury is the author of the best-selling book How to Not Die Alone and the dating coach for the new Netflix show The Later Daters, premiering on Nov.29.
参考译文
约会教练：在约会中拥抱脆弱感
洛根·尤里（Logan Ury）
作为一名约会教练和约会应用 Hinge的 婚恋关系科学总监，我经常听到人们谈论在早期约会中需要披露的重大秘密——慢性疾病、心理健康困境、大学债务、家庭隔阂、缺乏恋爱经验或创伤。他们担心这些会让自己“约会无能”。他们不知道如何分享这些信息，并担心会被拒绝。在约会中，他们紧张地等待尴尬话题不可避免地出现，甚至干脆回避约会。
然而，事实并非如此。因为当你有意识且诚实地展现脆弱感时，这反而能让你感到强大，而非软弱。
心理学研究表明，我们被脆弱感所吸引，这源于所谓的"美丽的混乱效应（beautiful mess effect，也叫美丽困境效应）"——一种我们往往比他人更严苛地评判自身脆弱表现的现象。在我们看来，展现脆弱仿佛是暴露弱点，但在旁人眼中，这恰恰是勇气和真诚的体现。
如果你仍然质疑，不妨看看数据。在 Hinge 与逾4000名用户进行的一项调查中，我们发现93%的单身人士正在寻找能够坦然面对脆弱的对象。与在第一次约会中展现情感脆弱的人相比，他们更有可能（66%）安排第二次约会。事实上，大多数人认为情感脆弱是第一次约会最看重的特质，甚至超过外貌、收入或身高。
尽管如此，只有三分之一的人在第一次约会中展现情感脆弱，因为害怕这会起到反作用。男性尤其感受到这种压力：75%表示很少或从不在初次约会中显露脆弱，担心这会令自己显得软弱或不具吸引力。但要知道，因为你的脆弱而拒绝你的人并不适合你。那些因你的过去、困境或真实处境而评判你的人，注定不是你的理想伴侣。越早认识到这一点越好。
当然，在早期约会中展现脆弱是有章法的。这是约会，而非心理治疗。重点是有边界地、出于成长和自我意识而有意识地分享。以下是如何讲述能让自己感到强大而非窘迫的故事：
不要急于求成。亲密需要慢慢积累。尽管你可能想倾诉，但不必在第一次约会就全盘托出。如果对方问了令你不舒服的问题，可以巧妙地转移话题。比如，如果你与家人关系疏远，当对方谈起母亲的招牌千层面秘方并询问你的父母时，可以微笑着说："我的家庭生活很复杂。我们改天再聊这个。"或者简单表示家庭传统不同，就此打住。
解释这段经历如何促进了你的成长。你并非寻求同情，而是阐述这段经历如何塑造了今天的自己。当你怀着自信分享个人叙事时，人们会尊重而非拒绝你。例如，你可以这样说："尽管我希望与家人关系更亲密，但我已经努力建立了由朋友组成的'选择性家庭'，并且期待将来组建自己的家庭。"
记住，对方的反应反映的是他们，而非你。有些人能够接纳你的脆弱，有些人则不能。如果他们表现出不安或苛刻，这更多地体现了他们的处境，而非你的"约会价值"。这是你的故事，你的经历。你是在分享，而非寻求许可、原谅或接纳。
感觉"约会无能"只是你自己编织的故事，但并非事实。正是那些让你成为人——你那些凌乱却美丽的故事——恰恰令你值得被爱。当你展现真实的自己时，你也在鼓励他人同样坦诚。
洛根·尤里（Logan Ury）是畅销书《如何避免孤独终老》的作者，同时也是Netflix真人秀The Later Daters《银色约会》（于11月29日首播）的约会教练。
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感谢大家阅读，Enjoy!
来源：Time USA - December 9, 2024《时代周刊》
原文标题：Let's embrace vulnerability in dating
* 译文仅供参考。