青少年容易沉溺手机，尤其是TikTok等短视频内容，如何为孩子设定界限？大家可以读读最新一期热门英文外刊Time 时代周刊这篇文章：It's Time to Set Boundaries。
外刊原文
It's
Time to Set Boundaries
By
Becky Kennedy
Here's
the thing: kids have always pushed limits and asked for things that aren't good
for them; in fact, this is part of kids doing their job, as they're meant to
explore the world and figure out the "edges" or limits. And while
kids continue to do their job, parents are really struggling to do theirs- and
as a result, the family system is off-balance and mental health is suffering.
We've
all seen the data around phones, social media, and the youth mental-health
crisis. We know this generation of children has staggering rates of anxiety and
depression. As a clinical psychologist specializing in parenting and family
relationships, I'm as concerned as anyone and yet I've been shocked that one
key word-really, a key foundational principle in life- -has been left out of
the conversation: boundaries.
The
cost of not being able to set boundaries with kids has never been higher.
Decades ago, if parents struggled to hold boundaries and tolerate pushback, a
child might have had an extra cupcake or stayed out too late. Today the cost of
not being able to set boundaries looks more like freely scrolling TikTok at age
8 or playing endless hours of video games at the expense of participating in
the real world. I agree that we are facing a crisis- -and yet I don't see only
a crisis of phones and social media, I also see a crisis of what I call Sturdy
Leadership at a time when our kids need it more than ever.
What
do I mean by Sturdy Leadership? Sturdy Leadership is a model of parental
authority where parents both hold boundaries and stay connected to a child or,
actually, improve connection through these moments. They do this by validatingtheir child's feelings while holding firm on what is best for everyone. This is
the same model that's effective in the workplace or on a sports team- a leader
who can stay true to their principles and who cares about other people's
feelings without being taken over by them.
So
what does this look like in practice? Imagine your 5-year-old wants you to buy a
toy at a toy store--even though you explicitly said you were only going in to
buy a birthday present for a cousin. Your 5-year-old starts begging for a toy,
and you feel a tantrum coming on. Sturdy Leadership, in response, would look
like: “I get it. It's hard to see so many fun toys and not get something. Today
I'm only buying a toy for your cousin. I can take a picture of what you want so
we can remember it later. I love you, we'll get through this."
You
can think of it like a math equation: Validation of feelings + holding
boundaries = Sturdy Leadership.
What
about an example with an older child? Imagine you just told your 12-year-old
daughter no when she asked to have a sleepover, and she is understandably annoyedwith you about not getting what she wants. In this moment, Sturdy Leadership
could look something like this: “One of my main jobs is to make decisions that I
think are good for you, even when you're upset with me. This is one of those
times. I get that you're upset, I really do." In this example the parent validated
their child's feelings while holding firm on their decision to do what they
believe is best.
HERE'S
WHY BOUNDARY SETTING-early and often-is so important: when the day comes that
our kids ask for a phone or for Instagram, our approach will not be isolated to
some universally recognized "media policy" we have as parents; our
approach will simply be an extension of the way we've always interacted with
our kids around their wants and requests.
As
much as I'm a fan of boundaries, I'm an even bigger fan of this idea: it's never
too late, the right time to change is always right now. So if you're a parent
who already gave your kids a phone or access to social media and you wish you
had held back, all is not lost. Think about yourself like a pilot who always
has the right to return to base should the skies be more turbulent than
expected- in fact, this is something passengers would want a pilot to do, even
if they seem annoyed in the moment. You are the pilot of your family plane-
-and while your kids will never thank you outright for changing your rules,
they will, years later, very much benefit from your sturdiness and acts of
protection.
My
life's work has been to help parents become confident, Sturdy Leaders so they
can raise confident, sturdy kids. Yes, phones and social media are impeding our
kids' ability to flourish, but parents also need more support. We need to
expand the conversation so that rather than feeling locked in fear, parents
know the practical skills they can build to bring change and support their
kids.
Kennedy
is a clinical psychologist and CEO and founder of Good Inside
参考译文
是时候设定界限了
孩子从来都会试探底线，索取对自己并不有益的东西；事实上，这正是孩子们在履行自己的"天职"——探索世界，摸索"边界"或限制。然而，当孩子们仍在尽职尽责地扮演自己的角色时，父母却在角色履行上举步维艰。结果就是，家庭系统失衡，心理健康每况愈下。
关于手机、社交媒体与青少年心理健康危机的数据，我们都已见怪不怪。这一代孩子的焦虑和抑郁发病率令人触目惊心。作为一名专门研究亲子关系的临床心理学家，我和所有人一样忧心忡忡，但让我震惊的是，一个关键词——确切地说是人生的一个基本原则——却在这场讨论中销声匿迹：那就是"界限"。
如今，不能为孩子设立界限的代价比以往任何时候都要高。几十年前，如果父母在坚守界限和承受反抗方面力不从心，孩子可能就是多吃一块蛋糕或晚归一会儿。而今天，无法设立界限的代价则是：8岁的孩子可以随心所欲地刷抖音，或是沉迷于无休止的电子游戏，与现实世界渐行渐远。我同意我们正面临危机，但我看到的不仅仅是手机和社交媒体的危机，更是一场"坚定领导力"的危机——而这恰恰是我们的孩子当下最需要的。
什么是坚定领导力？这是一种父母权威模式，父母既要设立界限，又要与孩子保持联系，或者说通过这些时刻加深联系。他们通过认可孩子的感受，同时坚持对每个人最有利的选择来实现这一点。这与职场或运动队中行之有效的模式如出一辙——领导者坚持原则，关心他人感受，但不被感受所左右。
在实践中是什么样子呢？假设你5岁的孩子想让你在玩具店买玩具，尽管你明确表示只是去给表弟买生日礼物。你的孩子开始央求，你感觉一场撒泼打滚即将上演。此时的坚定领导力应该是这样的："我理解你的感受。看到这么多好玩的玩具却不能买，确实很难受。但今天我只给表弟买玩具。我可以给你想要的玩具拍张照，这样我们以后可以记得。我爱你，我们一起度过这个难关。"
你可以把它想象成一个数学等式：认可感受 + 坚守界限 = 坚定领导力。
对于大一点的孩子呢？假设你刚刚拒绝了12岁女儿的留宿请求，她对没有得到想要的东西感到不满——这是可以理解的。此时，坚定领导力可能是这样的："我的主要职责之一就是做出我认为对你有益的决定，即便这会让你对我生气。这就是这样的时刻。我真的理解你很失望。"在这个例子中，父母既确认了孩子的感受，又坚持了他们认为最有利的决定。
早期和经常性地设立界限如此重要的原因在于：当有朝一日我们的孩子要求要手机或Instagram账号时，我们的应对方式不会局限于某个被普遍认可的"媒体使用政策"；这只会是我们一贯以来在对待孩子的愿望和要求时所采取的互动方式的自然延伸。
虽然我推崇界限，但我更认同这个观点：永远不会太迟，改变的最佳时机永远是此时此刻。因此，如果你是一位已经给了孩子手机或社交媒体访问权限，而现在后悔莫及的父母，一切都还来得及。把自己想象成一名飞行员，当天空比预期更加动荡时，他们始终有权返回基地——事实上，这正是乘客所期待的，即便他们当时看起来很不满。你就是家庭这架飞机的飞行员——尽管你的孩子永远不会当面感谢你改变规则，但多年以后，他们必将从你的坚定和保护中受益匪浅。
我毕生的工作就是帮助父母成为自信、坚定的领导者，以培养自信、坚韧的孩子。诚然，手机和社交媒体正在阻碍我们的孩子茁壮成长，但父母也需要更多支持。我们需要拓展讨论的范围，让父母不是陷入恐惧之中，而是了解他们可以培养哪些实用技能，从而带来改变并支持他们的孩子。
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来源：时代周刊 2 November 2024，译文为人工智能翻译，仅供参考
原文标题：It's Time to Set Boundaries
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